Coercive control is a term that many people are still unfamiliar with, yet it is a form of abuse that can have a devastating impact on a person’s life. It is not always as obvious as physical violence, but it is just as serious.
Understanding the meaning of coercive control is the first step towards recognising it and seeking help. This blog post will explain what coercive control is, how it starts, and what you can do about it if you or someone you know is experiencing it.
What Is Coercive Control?
So, what is coercive control? To define coercive control simply, it is a pattern of behaviour used by an abuser to dominate their partner and strip them of their independence and freedom. It is not a one-off argument or a moment of anger.
Instead, it is a consistent and deliberate campaign of control that can include a wide range of tactics, from isolating you from your friends and family to controlling your finances. It is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can leave you feeling trapped and powerless.
How Does Coercive Control Start?
A common question people have is, “How does coercive control start?” It rarely begins with overt control or aggression. In fact, it often starts with what seems like loving and attentive behaviour. An abuser might shower you with affection and gifts, a tactic sometimes called ‘love bombing’, to win your trust and make you feel special.
Over time, this can slowly shift into controlling behaviours that are disguised as care or concern. For example, they might question who you are seeing or what you are wearing, framing it as them just looking out for you.
Coercive control abuse isn’t a single act but a calculated pattern of behaviour designed to make a person dependent, isolated, and obedient. This abuse manifests through various tactics, including:
- Isolation: The abuser will actively cut you off from your support system. They might create drama with your friends, speak poorly of your family, or make it difficult for you to leave the house, ensuring you become completely dependent on them.
- Micromanagement and Monitoring: They control everyday aspects of your life, such as what you wear, what you eat, or when you sleep. This often involves constant surveillance, like checking your phone messages, tracking your location with apps, or demanding to know your whereabouts at all times.
- Financial Abuse: This is a powerful tool for control. An abuser might prevent you from working, take your wages, give you a restrictive “allowance,” or run up debts in your name. By controlling the finances, they make it practically impossible for you to leave.
- Threats and Intimidation: This doesn’t always involve threats of physical violence. It can be more subtle, like threatening to harm themselves, report you to authorities with false information, or take away your children if you don’t comply with their demands.
- Degradation and Humiliation: The abuser will systematically chip away at your self-esteem. They’ll insult you, belittle your accomplishments, and humiliate you, often in front of others. This makes you feel worthless and reinforces the idea that you “deserve” the abuse or can’t do better.
- Gaslighting: This is a manipulative technique where the abuser makes you question your own memory, perception, and sanity. They’ll deny saying things you clearly remember, twist your words, and insist you’re “crazy” or “too sensitive,” making it difficult for you to trust your own judgment.
How to Deal with Coercive Control
Dealing with coercive control while still in the relationship requires caution and strategic planning, as the primary goal is to increase your safety.
- Acknowledge the Abuse: The first and most important step is recognising that you are being abused. Understand that it’s not your fault, and you don’t deserve it. This validation is crucial for taking further action.
- Document Everything: Keep a secret, detailed record of incidents. Note the date, time, what happened, and how it made you feel. If possible, save abusive text messages, emails, or voicemails. This evidence can be vital if you decide to take legal action later. Keep this journal in a safe place that the abuser cannot find, like a trusted friend’s house or a password-protected cloud account.
- Build a Support Network in Secret: Since abusers work to isolate you, you must discreetly reconnect with trusted friends, family, or colleagues. You don’t have to disclose everything at once, but re-establishing these connections provides an essential emotional outlet and a potential lifeline.
- Seek Professional Help: Contact a domestic abuse hotline or a local support organisation. Professionals can offer confidential advice, emotional support, and resources without judgment. They understand the dynamics of coercive control and can help you create a safety plan.
- Prioritise Self-Care: Coercive control drains you emotionally and mentally. Find small ways to care for yourself. This could be a hobby you can do at home, mindfulness exercises, or simply ensuring you eat and rest properly. It’s about rebuilding the sense of self that the abuser is trying to destroy.
How to Get Out of Coercive Control
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for a victim. It requires careful and secret planning to ensure your safety.
- Create a Safety Plan: This is a practical plan of action for leaving. It should be created with the help of a domestic violence advocate if possible. Your plan should include:
- A safe place to go (e.g., a friend’s house, a family member’s home, or a shelter).
- An escape route and a “go-bag.” This bag should be hidden but easily accessible and contain essentials like important documents (passports, birth certificates), a change of clothes, spare keys, cash, and any necessary medications.
- A code word to share with a trusted friend or family member, signalling you need help immediately.
- Secure Your Finances: If you can, start secretly setting aside money in a new, separate bank account that the abuser doesn’t know about. This will be crucial for your independence after you leave.
- Seek Legal Advice: Before you leave, consult with a lawyer who specialises in family law or domestic violence. They can advise you on your rights and help you get protective orders, such as a Personal Protection Order (PPO), which legally prohibits the abuser from contacting or approaching you.
- Leave Safely: Choose a time to leave when the abuser is not around. Don’t tell them you’re leaving, as this can trigger a violent reaction. Simply go. Once you are in a safe place, you can then take steps to inform them, often through a third party or a legal channel.
- Go No-Contact: After leaving, it’s essential to cut off all contact. Block their number, block them on social media, and change your daily routines. Continued communication often gives the abuser an opportunity to manipulate you into returning. Let a trusted person manage any necessary communication, for instance, regarding children. Your focus must be on your safety and recovery.
Conclusion About Coercive Control
Coercive control is a serious form of abuse that can have long-lasting effects. Recognising the signs is the first step towards breaking free. Remember, you have the right to feel safe and respected in your relationship.
If you are experiencing coercive control, know that there are people who can help you. For legal advice and support, reach out to the best Divorce lawyers and criminal lawyers in Singapore at Tembusu Law.
Frequently Asked Questions About Coercive Control
What Are The Early Warning Signs Of A Controlling Person?
Early signs can include excessive jealousy, constant criticism, isolating you from your loved ones, and making you feel guilty for spending time with others.
Can Coercive Control Happen In Any Relationship?
Yes, coercive control can occur in any type of intimate relationship, regardless of age, gender, or sexual orientation. It can also happen in family relationships, for instance, between a parent and a child.
Is Coercive Control A Criminal Offence In Singapore?
While there is no specific criminal offence named ‘coercive control’, the behaviours associated with it, such as harassment and causing emotional distress, are covered under the Protection from Harassment Act and the amended Women’s Charter.
How Can I Support Someone Who I Suspect Is A Victim Of Coercive Control?
You can offer a listening ear without judgment, let them know you are concerned for their safety, and provide them with information about support services. Avoid confronting the abuser directly, as this could put the victim in more danger.
What Is Financial Abuse In The Context Of Coercive Control?
Financial abuse is a common tactic in coercive control. It can include preventing you from working, controlling your access to money, running up debts in your name, or making you account for every penny you spend.
